


twenty-three

by smoldeokjuns



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Journey of Life, M/M, Mentions of Sex, mentions of bullying, slight homophobia, xuxi spends a lot of time in denial before finally realising he’s in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:07:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29798562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoldeokjuns/pseuds/smoldeokjuns
Summary: they’re both sent home. here they are, back at the playground with xuxi sat on the swing, dejun sat cross-legged at his feet, on the sand – gingerly pressing a cold can of monster against the reddened knuckles of xuxi’s fist, for which dejun had emptied his pockets of loose coins to purchase. ‘i’m sorry, you didn’t have to do that…’ dejun looks up at xuxi, his lashes still soaked with tears. ‘–for me.’
Relationships: Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67





	twenty-three

**Author's Note:**

> heavily inspired by one of my favourite slam poetries, '21' by patrick roche

_twenty-three_. it’s three days to graduation. there, a dashing xuxi is knelt in the middle of a hundred candles arranged in the shape of a heart, arm extended in front of him. in his hand a box, in the box a ring; a ring adorned with the prettiest sparkliest diamond dejun has ever seen. with tears in his eyes, xuxi asks: _‘will you marry me?_ ’

_twenty-one_. they make love for the first time. it’s uncoordinated, and it’s clumsy. because xuxi’s inexperienced, but that isn’t stopping him from wanting dejun to feel good, to enjoy it. when xuxi finally presses in, dejun’s heat is tight, so warm, and grips _perfect_ in all the right places. dejun’s body trembles beneath his own, his dark lashes flutter as his pretty mouth parts in a tiny gasp. ‘ _xuxi_ ’, shaky fingers clutch tight at xuxi’s arms, nails bite into his skin. xuxi doesn’t last long – a whopping three minutes and he’s pushed over the edge with a strangled cry of dejun’s name. they laugh about it later, bodies pressed together, tangled in the sheets, whispering breathy _i love yous_.

t _wenty_. dejun’s in a bad, bad place – two semesters, and six failed relationships. xuxi truly dies on the inside each time dejun comes crashing through their door like _this_ – absolutely incapable of holding himself up, the rancid stench of sex and hard liquor etched into his skin, into his half-unbuttoned dress shirt, into his ripped skin-tight black jeans. black gel liner smudged pretty across his heavy-lidded, red-rimmed eyes; cheeks flushed a dangerous red; shiny lips kiss-swollen. the careless litter of purple-pink bruises beneath his jaw, across his neck makes xuxi tremble with _emotion._ it’s all finally starting to come together. xuxi trembles with _anger_ , with _jealousy_ , and with the regret of years of unspoken _guilt_ as he carries a limp dejun in his arms, drops him off gently onto his bed. ‘could you please… _stay?_ ’ dejun whimpers from where he’s laid, right as xuxi flicks the light switch off. xuxi trudges toward the bed, feet heavy, fists clenched, settles in right next to dejun. dejun makes a hurt sound as he wraps his arms around xuxi’s waist, buries his face in xuxi’s chest and starts shaking uncontrollably, wetness soaks through the material of xuxi’s shirt. ‘how do people just… play with my feelings then toss me aside so _easy?_ i just want to be loved, so bad. why can’t somebody just… _love_ me?’ xuxi rubs at the small of dejun’s back with the comfort he knows he can’t provide. ‘ _i’m so fucking sorry_ ,’ xuxi wants to say, ‘ _i’m sorry it’s taken me twenty fucking years to realise and come to terms with it but i have, now._ ’ xuxi swallows it all back, forces the lump back down his throat as hot tears stream down his cheeks. he’ll find a better time to say it, _soon_. xuxi does so, the very next day.

_nineteen_. it’s fate. dejun and xuxi land a place in the same university, and they choose to room with each other. the first boy dejun brings back, with xuxi’s permission of course – is a pink-haired, lanky boy with large sparkly eyes, and a big bright smile. dejun looks at him like he’s the _world._ later, xuxi tries his best to ignore the weird _twist_ in his stomach as he huddles in front of his laptop, headphones on and volume increased to near-maximum – it drowns out the sounds he probably doesn’t want to hear.

_sixteen_. ‘ _i have something to tell you_ ,’ dejun says, eyes wide as he takes xuxi’s hands into his smaller ones. ‘ _i like_ – ‘ dejun chews on his already swollen bottom lip. he’s been contemplating this for a long time. dejun pauses, like he’s gauging xuxi’s reaction, like he’s suddenly changed his mind, searching for a better word. ‘– _boys_.’ xuxi’s hands tense up in dejun’s hold. ‘ _oh._ ’ a long moment of silence, because xuxi’s feeling a jumbled mess of emotions and he just cannot seem formulate the correct words, right now – he’s lost in dejun’s deep gaze, it searches for the _affirmation_ xuxi can’t seem to give. more time passes, and he doesn’t even know when, but those eyes have started to fill with shiny tears. suddenly, dejun’s grip on his hands loosens up, in favour of the boy hastily rubbing the tears from his flushed cheeks. dejun shakes his head like that was a mistake, like he wishes he never confessed, and laughs weakly. xuxi gulps. ‘well that– that’s perfectly alright. thank you for letting me know.’

_fourteen_. xuxi barges into the toilet to find a crying dejun pinned up against the grimy toilet wall by two bigger boys, their dirty hands on his wrists, on his collar. ‘you’re such a _freak_ ,’ they laugh – xuxi’s blood boils and he isn’t thinking straight – he comes in from behind and throws all of his strength into a punch, it knocks one of them out cold. the other boy shrieks, before apologising profusely and running away. they’re both sent home. here they are, back at the playground with xuxi sat on the swing, dejun sat cross-legged at his feet, on the sand – gingerly pressing a cold can of _monster_ against the reddened knuckles of xuxi’s fist, for which dejun had emptied his pockets of loose coins to purchase. ‘i’m sorry, you didn’t have to do that…’ dejun looks up at xuxi, his lashes still soaked with tears. ‘– _for me._ ’ xuxi bites his lip and tries not to wince from the pain, eyes fixed onto the purpling bruise starting to form on dejun’s thin wrists, where too much force had been used. xuxi’s heart sinks – he holds back from reaching out to soothe the pads of his fingers over the injured skin. _i want to protect you,_ he thinks, but doesn’t say.

_eleven_. dejun finally gets a phone of his own, and they can finally exchange numbers. they help each other to choose their profile pictures. ‘i know! pick a shrek picture for me! i love shrek,’ xuxi grins and pulls a funny face, to which dejun laughs and nods his head. ‘how about you, dejun?’ dejun hums, and cups his cheek in his small hand. ‘how about something related like... princess fiona!’ to which xuxi laughs at first, but then his face falls. ‘eww! but shrek and princess fiona are married! that’s not right... we’re both boys! what about… donkey? they’re good friends!’ dejun’s eyes widen, and then he smiles like it’s a good idea too. ‘that works as well!’

_six_. xuxi and dejun meet on monday and thursday evenings at the playground. each time they meet, xuxi hopes their parents have lots to say to each other, because they only leave when their parents stop talking and decide it’s time to go. which is almost always never enough time because xuxi and dejun have _endless_ things to talk about, like their shared love for comics and planes; their shared hatred for preschool and lettuce.

_four_. xuxi loves playgrounds. the moment they’re within ten feet of the playground a street away from his apartment, xuxi shrugs his arm out of his mom’s firm hold and laughs as he makes a bolt for the slide. as he slides down, he sees a new face on the swings, a boy about his age. xuxi races to take the other swing, and shouts a loud ‘hello!’ the boy looks up through his messy black fringe, eyes wide. ‘i’m xuxi and i’m four years old! what’s your name?’ the boy smiles, and with a soft voice, he answers ‘ _dejun_ ’, uses his slippered foot to trace a small ‘dj’ onto the sand beneath. ‘hi dejun! can we be friends? promise me!’ xuxi stretches out a hand, little pinkie pointed in invitation. a short pause, a small giggle, and dejun finally reciprocates the pinkie-promise with a soft _‘yes!’_

**Author's Note:**

> that was an emotional rollercoaster ride :') comments and kudos are loved!! please i'd love to hear your thoughts on this one, i personally enjoyed how it turned out with how the 'yes' in the end resounds as dejun's answer to xuxi's proposal in the beginning!
> 
> or, you can find me on [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/smoldejuns) and [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/smoldejuns)  
> feel free to scream at me there too <3


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